Well, today was my angel’s first day of school, EVER.  He only went for a couple of hours because they start out with a phase in.  Slowly they will increase how long he’ll stay there and soon it’ll just be his new routine.  Today was a big day for all of us.  Little man cried his head off at first, which was really difficult to watch for Jayesh and me.  It felt like my heart was going to just drop out of my butt.  I felt helpless, but found comfort in comforting Jayesh.  Does that make sense?  Being strong and positive for him helped me feel better about what was happening.  I found perspective in that moment.  It was really difficult at the time, but I know in the long run my angel will really benefit from this experience.  He was fine within a half hour so as soon as we stopped hearing his wails from the other side of the door, we made our exit.  I ran a couple of errands and came back to get him.  Turns out he had a really great day.  He observed and explored.  I love his teachers and I’m sure he will too once he’s comfortable.

I think angel had the biggest day of all.  I realized on the ride home that he just had his first personal experience.  The teacher filled me in on what he did, but I didn’t experience it with him.  Only he knows what his day was really like.  Am I explaining this right?  Thus far, he’s been doing things with me or my husband so we’ve been a part of everything, but today he went and did this all by himself.  It’s his very own experience.  The first one to add to a bag that will be full to the brim with wonderful experiences.  Today he was a big boy and navigated a part of his day all by himself.

When we got home I could already see how much he had grown.  He had lunch and when he was done with his bowl of grapes he took it to the sink and dropped it in.  What a big boy!

My heart is swollen and my mind is vibrating.  I had prepared myself for the difficulty of letting go of my precious little man.  I couldn’t help but think about my pregnancy.  All the times I felt him kick and hiccup.  I could feel his every movement when we were one.  I remember so vividly nursing him and all those special moments in the middle of the night when it was just the two of us.  It brings tears to my eyes to remember the loving way he would stare at me while he was feeding.  I remember helping him crawl and then walk.  I remember all these fleeting moments.  Suddenly I feel the importance of all these moments.    I remember all the ‘firsts’ but I’m not honoring the ‘lasts’.  The ones that sneak up unannounced and rip my heart to shreds in their wake.  You see you can almost always tell a first is coming up because there is a lead up.  Like when he would teeter around the sofa or table we just knew he about to take his first steps any day.  The last time he ever does something doesn’t exactly come with an announcement.  It passes silently and then a while later I realize, it’s over.  Done.  No more crawling.  He used to do this superman swimming thing just before he started crawling.  He would lie on his belly and just frantically wave his legs and arms.  It was so funny and crazy adorable.  But he doesn’t do that anymore, and I couldn’t tell you when the last time was that he did that.  There’s so many other things just like that.  They don’t happen anymore and I don’t know when they stopped.

So on his FIRST day of school I’m eyes-open-ears-up.  I’m making the most of all these beautiful memories we’re making.  Sealing them away in the vault in my mind.  Taking pictures and videos of all the moments I can.  Some day we’ll be feeling the emptiness of the house when he moves away for college or work and at those times, these memories will give us comfort.  A hug from the past.

My little angel I love you more than you know.  You’ve done so much for me with out even knowing it.  You awakened a love inside of me that I didn’t know was possible.  Not only my love for you but my love for your father.  You see, I loved your father the moment I met him, but I finally realized how much when I saw the way he loved you.  You are growing up and although it’s hard for me to let go, I will, because I want you to fly freely without anything holding you back.  Your potential knows no bounds and some day you will amaze this world the way you already amaze me and Daddy.  We wish you the very best as you start your journey as a student.  You will be one forever, whether you sit in a classroom or not, so make the most of the knowledge you receive.  Love you my little angel, forever the most.

Please enjoy some pictures from his first year.